0381: Child of the Sea and Sky – Chapters 2, 3, and 4 – Part 1 (2024)

Ls: Hello, and welcome back to Child of the Sea and Sky! Last time, we got told a bunch of weird and pointless details about our Sue, Calamari. This time, content!

*Bats squints skeptically*

Yuki: “Content” being between massive quotation marks, of course.

Ls: Okay, fine. Last time, character bio. This time, prologues!

Shoe: I’m here! And I’m ticked! But still – no more My Inner Life so YAAAAY! But now there’s this. Because someone conked me on the head and brought me here. I blame Bats.

Bats: But if I kidnapped you, who kidnapped me?

Ls: Pssh, not me. Chain kidnapping is just a bit much for me. I think it might have been Em.

Delta: Where have I seen that title before? *reads the Topic* Oh, right, this thing. I’ll be honest, most of my contributions to this riff will probably just be me reacting in bafflement to both sides of the crossover.

Before the Twist

Bats:

Em:

{The picture above is Amari’s clothing.}

Ls: That would be this:

Ls: No, I have no idea why this picture is here or why the author couldn’t just describe this outfit.

Bats: But how else are we supposed to get the full tryhard experience? I mean, other than description, but description takes, like, effort and, y’know, trying and stuff.

Shoe: That is the ugliest jacket I have ever seen.

Yuki: Going by the bit of text on the upper left corner, this appears to be official art of something else.

Ls: Naturally.

================================================================================================================================================================

Bats: These lines of equals signs do not have equal amounts of equals signs. It bothers me.

Em: I’m all for equality, but this is ridiculous.

“Amari!!!!”

Bats: Yay exclamation points!!!!!!!!

Ls: We hate you!!1111eleventy!11one!111

She looked up from playing on her phone to see a Titanus

Bats: I think they make a vaccine for that; hope you’re up to date on your shots.

Ls: We probably should get vaccinated against the evil 5G mind control that cell phones exert over us. Would Brain Bleach work, or do the alien lizard people make that too?

Rodan flying up to her.

Em: His name is just Rodan. I’m guessing since you felt the need to stick the word “Titanus” in front of it you’re going with the Monsterverse version. *Em sighs heavily in Toho fan.* Either way, he’s a big pteranodon who likes to hang out in volcanoes.

Em: Also, fun fact; his Japanese name is Radon, a shortening of pteRAnoDON. They had to change his name for US markets because, y’know, radon.

Shoe: Mind you, both are greatly hazardous to your health.

Their body and wings were a nice shade of brown with shades of various red, orange, and yellow that made the other look like a moving flame.

Em: The colors on Rodan’s body make someone else look like a moving flame? Rodan usually plays second fiddle to any other kaiju in the vicinity, but being relegated to their effects guy is pretty sad even for Rodan.

Ls: I dunno, I quite like looking like I’m on fire without actually being so. It’s enlightening.

*Bats is just actually on fire*

*Shoe puts away his flamethrower* Revenge is a dish best served fiery, Batman.

*Delta is continuing his vacuuming while ignoring the fact that he is on fire* This isn’t even in the top 50 weirdest things to happen to me.

Ls: This is fine. I’m okay with the events that are unfolding currently. That’s okay, things are going to be okay.

Their horns were black as the night sky with streaks of red. They were adolescent, about half the size of their adoptive father, Rodan.

Em: Wait, so Rodan isn’t Rodan? *Em skims back over the fic.* Oh no. Is the author making the Monsterverse titans the children of the Toho kaiju?! …I guess technically it’s not wrong. It’s not like Legendary Pictures came up with them, they just rebranded them.

Their name was Ardere, Latin for fire.

Em: Nope. There are several Latin words that can mean “fire,” but ardere is a conjugation of the verb ardeo; to burn. Yes, I’m being pedantic, but I was forced to take Latin in school and by Those Gods I’m going to make it useful. Still appropriate for what the author is trying to do, though, since Monsterverse Rodan can set fire to stuff just by flying over it.

Ls: I took like a year of Latin, which I don’t remember at all.

Which, wasn’t all that creative.

Em: At least the author admits it?

Ls: I love it when you insult your own character names.

Soon as the young titan came up did they switch to a human form that held skin akin to Spanish origin with wild untamable curls.

Em: Their skin has curls?!?! What kind of nightmare is Spain manufacturing over there?

Ls: I guess they just have really bad eczema.

Bats: Their skin is akin to Spanish origin? Like, the skin itself is like (but not exactly) the Nueva Planta Decrees? (And presuming this was intended to describe ethnic/racial features, “Spanish” is still not what I suspect you’re looking for.)

Em: Yeah, Rodan pops out of a volcano in Mexico in Monsterverse, so I’m guessing this was supposed to be some kind of Latinx skin? Still not a thing.

Shoe: If your skin has curls on it, you need to…I dunno, bad joke here.

Their eyes were wild as fire itself with chaos just oozing from their orbs.

Em: They should probably see a doctor about that.

Ls: Chaotic orb ooze sounds like one of those Orbeez.

Bats: Or possibly the worst character alignment ever.

Shoe: It sounds like a euphemism. “Hey, Honey, what are you doing in there?” “Nothin’, mom! Just making some Chaotic Orb Ooze!”

Em: Mom: Well, don’t get it on the carpet!

Ls: Huh, Em’s Mom Voice sounds identical to her normal one. …is that because she thinks of us all as children?

They took a more masculine form of which told her that their pronouns are he/him for the week.

*Em takes a more headdesking form of which tells her this is going to be a long fic.*

Ls: What about a pail of water form?

“Hey, Doran.”

Em: Who’s Doran?

Ls: Doran is Doran, that character we’ve all been introduced to.

Em: As long as Doran is Doran, and not Duran Duran.

Shoe: Is there something he should know?

“Don’t ‘Hey Doran’ me!!!!!

Em: Wait, did the author really go through the effort of explaining NotRodan’s uncreative fire name just to immediately retcon it for an even less creative anagram version of “Rodan?” Wow, that Retcon Stick is even faster in this fic than in RtD!

Ls: Owww. Tell me about it.

*Bats walks directly into the door*

*WHACK!*

Bats: I could’ve sworn this was open a moment ago.

Shoe: “They” close it to stop us from escaping, then open it periodically because “they” are sad*sts.

Em: I’m sitting right here.

Shoe: Yes. Yes, you are.

Ls: Someone needs to steal your master door controller.

Gojira and Mothra have been looking for you!!!!”

Bats: The search is up to four exclamation points’ worth of urgency!!!!! Wait, there’s another one!!!!!! Gah!!!!!!!

Em:

She felt herself grimace as she knew those two were probably in protective mode.

Ls: Worst one of Linktron 3001’s modes by far.

Delta: We’re never gonna fully escape MIL, are we?

Bats: It haunts you.

Ls: It reads your mind through the pee-bond.

The only reason she could understand was that the humans did something that ticked off their instincts.

Em: Especially in Monsterverse, the kaiju pay almost no attention to the humans aside from being annoyed that their buildings and jets and crap are in the way. The humans can’t really do anything to the kaiju, anyway.

Ls: Well, this fic is doing something that ticks off my instincts.

Shoe: Ultraman can. But he’s not really human…I don’t think? Wait, what the hell is he?

Bats: Evil alternate Superman, like the original one before half of superhero fiction decided that should be its premise. … Wait, I might have the wrong guy.

Em: *researchety research* That varies wildly from version to version, but the one I’m most familiar with has him turning into a giant alien superhero. He counts as a kaiju in my book.

Sighing, she quickly put her phone away as she transformed into her Mosura form to quickly fly to them. Doran quickly transformed back as well as they took off towards where Godzilla and Mothra were. They both heard a shriek as Rodan dropped by them.

Em: *ducks* I know I’ve called Rodan lame, but I didn’t mean he falls out of the sky!

Ls: Quick, everyone, under my desk! I had it reinforced after the last Kelly riff!

“{Chica!!! Where have you been?!?!? Gojira and Mothra are going absolutely ballistic with instincts due to the humans!!!!

Em: {What does this even mean and why did you feel the need to use ALL the formatting?!?!?!}

Ls: {It’s so obnoxious. Also, why are we using random Spanish?}

Bats: {Hey, they’re only human, after all!!!!!!!! Don’t put the blame on them!!!!!!!!!1!11!!!11111!1!1one!1!2onethousandonehundredandelevenpointonerepeating1}

Shoe: I am uck-stay on ig-pay atin-lay or-fay ome-say eason-ray.

One of them had some of your Gojira forms scales but the G man and Mama M saw the scales and thought the worst.}”

Em: One of the humans had scales from Kaij-Sue’s Godzilla form? Does Kaij-Sue have a brand of kitchenware or something?

Ls: “G man” and “Mama M”.

Ls: wut

Em: It sounds like Rodan thinks her parents are a government agent and the leader of a gang of cattle rustlers in the Wild West.

Shoe: Or that they’re going to have an Epic Kaiju Rap Battle. ….Okay, that needs to be a thing. Right now.

Delta: Well, there is this.

“{Thank you Uncle Rodan!!!! I was busy reading some interesting articles of gemstones and gaming in my human form. I lost track of time due to that.}”

Em: And this has something to do with a human having her scales? *Em shakes the fic.* WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!

Ls: Oh, was she looking at anyone’s gemstone orbs?

Shoe: If they bring Steven Universe into this mess, I’m going to puke.

Ls: The last time we encountered Steven Universe, we had quite an incoherent time.

Rodan let out this little warble that both young titans knew to be laughter. Amari was so glad that nobody could feel or see her reddening cheeks.

Em: Why would anyone be feeling the cheeks that moths don’t have while you are flying?

Ls: Blushing sees no species!

Bats: That’s because it has gemstone orbs for eyes.

Shoe: I…trust me, dear, no one wants to feel your cheeks.

Everyone on the island knew she held fascination with gemstones and getting into gaming.

Em: I’m going to guess “the island” means Monster Island, where the majority of the kaiju live when they’re not destroying Japan. Or New York. Or San Francisco. Or Boston that one time.

Ls: Boston knows what it did.

Em: Godzilla and Ghidorah heard about that really interesting way Bostonians brew tea.

Bats: BritJamags still hasn’t recovered.

Shoe: Or the time he fought Charles Barkley. Wait, no, that was also in Tokyo.

Sighing, she quickly saw her adoptive parents as they were crying out or outright intimidating the humans.

Em: Why would humans be on freaking MONSTER ISLAND?

Ls: The Sue kidnaps them, remember?

Shoe: Canonically, they’d probably be there for research purposes. In this fic? Because they want to win a Darwin Award. And the Sue kidnaps them.

She let out her own cry in her Mosura form as she landed then switched to her Gojira form. She quickly got to them as they immediately checked her over as the humans moved out of view or targeting distance. She huffed as her Dad checked her over and huffed with relief as her Mom wrapped her up in silk while somewhat hugging her.

Em: I guess Mothra doesn’t want Kaij-Sue to blow down any little pigs’ houses.

She saw Rodan and Doran chuckling from a distance to which she gave them a glare worthy of her father.

Ls: That name is still awful.

Bats: I dub thee “Rando.”

Rodan seemed slightly spooked

Bats:

but Doran was still chuckling slightly. Huffing she looked back to her parents.

Ls: You leave those pigs alone!

“{Dad, Mom, sorry I was reading up on some interesting facts about gemstones and some gaming in my human form.}”

Em: Kaij-Sue: You know how that always makes the humans get my Godzilla scales and then come tell you about it. Which definitely makes sense and is not at all ridiculously contrived and already forgotten about.

Bats: I’m sorry, what two interests does Kaij-Sue have? I must’ve missed it.

Ls: Gemstones and gaming, for… whatever reason.

Bats: Are you sure? It doesn’t seem to have come up much; I feel like the fic should remind us a little more.

Gojira rumbled and Mothra cooed.

“{It’s fine pup. You know we care for you deeply. You’re under our care and protection, all we want in your safety and happiness.}

“{Oh sweetie, it’s just our instincts going haywire looking for you. Humans are unpredictable yet predictable creatures.

*Silent alarms blare*

Bats: Oh, great. You all know what that means; the DCB is coming.

*Unpredictable DCA agents of the predictable DCB predictably storm into the room unpredictably. The predictable operatives unpredictably headshot the riffers with unpredictable confetti cannons, predictably covering the room in unpredictable confetti, before unpredictably exiting through the predictable exit.*

Bats: Did the DCA just show up? Who could’ve guessed?!

Em: *spits out confetti* I hate those guy.

Ls: Stupid humans.

Shoe: What just happened?

Ls: Everything and nothing.

We may watch over them, but we know that sins run deep in them.

Yuki: Because you guys are totally in the best position to crow about how evulz humans are.

Ls: …sins? What religion do the kaiju believe in?

Shoe: In the excellent comic Kaijumax, they have many religions; one of which is The Worship Of The Machine God. Here, though, I dunno.

• Bats: ([{tHeY fOlLoW tHe GoD oF fORmAtTtInG, oBvIoUsLy!!!!!!!!!!}])

But we are glad to have you in our lives. Despite what have happened years ago, you’re just as much as our child as anyone else.}”

Em: Good to know, Timmy.

So the Sue is not their child, since presumably most other people on Earth are not kaiju spawn.

…yeah, I know I left my name out, but the lack of attribution gag from MIL was too good to not bring back.

I definitely agree.

You mean defiantly.

And I am just as definitely Bats. Wait, no, I’m Em. Then I get to be in charge of… not this riff. Dang it!

Say something only the real Bats or Em would say!

Something only the real Bats or Em would say! Err… I mean; don’t blame me, I’m only human?

Hey, why are you asking me?!

Wait, isn’t Ls in charge of this riff? I thought he made the doc, at least. I always have liked him, anyway.

I think Shoe is handsome and brilliant and we should give him lots of money. What? Everyone else was doing it.

You can’t pretend to not be yourself just to give yourself compliments.

I’m not! I’m, uh… Yuki. And as the real Yuki, I think that Ls is the best.

And Em is the greatest Head Warden ever and was entirely justified in kidnapping all of us.

I’m not saying that’s not true, but that’s not getting you out of paperwork duty.

Do your own paperwork!

I have a sword for that. Or Bats does. Who am I again?

Minh, maybe?

Well, you’re… probably not Delta.

The fools suspect nothing.

That’s because Nothing is a very suspicious guy.

Take my advice: Never trust a Formless Voice.

Thank you, I certainly will. Whoever I am right now.

Amari purred as

Bats: Why is she purring?

Em: Godzilla does make a sort of purring noise once in a while. I’m not sure how to describe it exactly, but I had a cat whose very gravelly purr was like that.

she snuggled both her Mother and Father as they all walked back to their home.

Amari was glad she finally got this happy ending.

Em: Well, that was confusing but blessedly short. I’m not sure why we even needed to riff this but I’ll just be go–

BZZZT!

Em: What do you mean it’s not even the end of the chapter?!

Ls: It’ll never be over.

===================================================================================================================================================================================================

Ls: Stop spamming Ed Sheeran albums!

Amari jolted slightly as she found herself waking into reality.

Em: The previous section being some kind of bizarre fever dream does make a lot more sense.

Ls: We have a lot of fever dreams around here.

Delta: I’m mostly convinced we’re still in one.

Ls: Is that why Bats has an extra head?

Bat 1: That would explain that.

Bat 2: I’ve always been here. Why do you think we’re Bats and not Bat?

Darkness was around

Em:

Ls:

Delta:

Bats:

Shoe: Here is my non-musical contribution!

as she heard the various creatures of the night outside.

Em: I had no idea she was a KISS fan.

Bats: I might warm up to her yet.

Delta: I’m sure that’ll change soon enough.

Shoe: You know, since they’re on Monster Island, it makes me wonder if these “Creatures of the Night” are other Kaiju getting freaky. I mean, that’d keep me awake.

Ls: Shoe, you’re worse than the fics sometimes. *shudders*

Bats: Checks out; little kaiju (… so to speak) have to come from somewhere, and I don’t buy the adoption-mutation-hybrid-shapeshifter theory. Which is apparently very common.

Gojira and Mothra were sleeping in a circle with her in the center. Confusion was her most prominent emotion

Ls: relatable, tbh

Bats: No reason to get excited. There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke. But you and I, we’ve been through that, and this is not our fate. So let us stop talking falsely now; the hour’s getting late.

Em: If anyone was ever the epitome of confusion, it’s Bob Dylan.

Shoe: Again, a totally normal reaction to Kaiju Getting It On At Night.

as she tried to understand why she awoke at this ungodly hour.

• Em: ([{tHE gOd Of FoRmAtTiNg haTeS HouRS!!!!!!!!!!}])

Ls: Least favorite of Those Gods unlocked.

She was having a nice dream of the sea and various foods to eat. Shrugging internally,

Ls: Isn’t shrugging necessarily external?

Shoe: *Tilts his head internally*. I dunno, dude. …ow. My neck.

she laid her head back down as she got back to sleep. Tiredness seeped back into her body as she closed her eyes to the world. Only to open them again to hear a weird sound. Irritation was seeping into her mood as she ignored the noise while trying to seep again.

Ls: Dude, stop leaking!

*Bats blots the fic with a paper towel*

Unfortunately, the noise persisted to her utter frustration and anger.

Bats:

No matter how she tried to ignore it or go down the imagination train,

Ls: The what now?

Em: The weird Aussie (?) children’s crafting show? That might explain the fever dreams.

Ls: I knew Minh was up to something!

Bats:

the noise persisted to her utter frustration. Sighing internally in frustration, she got up while shifting to her human form.

Yuki: Never mind that neither canonical kaiju have human forms.

Ls: But then how is she supposed to be a human too?

Shoe: In a better story, she would have been adopted.

Ls: Funny you should say that…

Bats: Next you’ll suggest the author not steal a picture to represent her outfit and stick it at the top of the first chapter even though there was an entire unnecessary bio page.

Em: Not to mention she now has to climb over her very kaiju-sized parents to try to figure out what the plot wants.

It made it easier to get under her parents but also harder to go certain distances.

Ls: Thank you for explaining size to us.

Em: Wouldn’t it have been way easier to stay a kaiju and step over them instead of trying to find a gap big enough to get through and praying they don’t shift in their sleep and kill you?

As she walked out of the cave did utter skepticism appear in her mind.

Ls: Oh, I’ve had that the whole time.

Delta: I think it’s pretty much an unwritten rule of this place that you need to have a mind filled with skepticism.

Shoe: Or a mind empty of all thought except snark and rage.

What was outside the cave were two horses along with a vehicle that she knew to be a carriage. She paid attention to the humans along with having a phone for learning other things.

Ls: Which has a phone plan, with reception, I assume.

Bats: We could’ve been reading about Godzilla visiting an AT&T store and setting up a family phone plan, but instead we’re doing this.

Em: You think he’d get a discount if he lets them stick a tower on his tail?

Ls: Nah, Mint Mobile is way better.

Shoe: Horses? Carriages?! So these humans have the resources and money to get to Monster Island, probably the most guarded place on the planet, they avoid all these two-hundred-foot scaly and furry creatures that eat humans for lunch, and they decide “I’m going to travel via a mode of transportation that’s been obsolete for more than a hundred years?” That logic is bass-ackwards and makes my head hurt.

Yuki: We’re in Twisted Wonderland now. This is definitely gonna hurt.

Ls:

But, no humans near this island had carriages along with horses this black in color or generally unnerving to lesser species.

Bats: First of all,

Bats: And second, “lesser species?”

Em: Why are humans on Monster Island at all?!

Ls: Kidnapping, remember?

Shoe: THESE humans are here due to…dramatic pause…stupidity!

Ls: Wait, is Shoe the Joker?

Shoe: I was referencing The Creeper, actually. (Sic).

Ls: Um, okay then. Sic burn, I guess?

Bats: Right, we did the joker last group riff, but nobody completed the gag so I had to work in the thief this time.

While it was odd to see the horse’s oddness,

*Odd alarms blare.*

*The odd DRD oddly arrives in odd, non-even numbers. They oddly distribute odd amounts of paperwork, oddly leaving through the odd exit.*

Bats:

Ls:

Shoe: “That was weird,” he said evenly.

Delta: Meh, I’ve seen odder.

it didn’t affect her all that much.

Em: Were we supposed to be concerned about it?

Ls: Lucky you, you don’t care about horses. Probably because they’re “lesser species”.

Bats: As long as she doesn’t start booting them in the legs.

What actually got her attention was the carriage opening all on its own.

Yuki: I’m sure automatic doors are already a thing where you’re from.

Ls: Wait, the Sue has a phone, but doesn’t know what a car is? …Is this a car?

Em: It’s being pulled by horses, but I guess the carriage is haunted? Maybe the author is one of those people who start decorating for Halloween the second the temperature drops below ninety degrees.

Yuki: This is canon to Twisted Wonderland… which in a fic like this can only mean canon regurgitation incoming.

Ls: I better get the umbrella.

Em: Oh, man. I hope I’m not in the splash zone.

*Bats puts on a raincoat and rubber gloves and boots. And maybe a gas mask.*

Nobody was in the vehicle which made her instincts whisper in her mind.

Ls: Um, what?

Em: I’m beginning to think no character has any agency, it’s all “instincts.”

Ls: That sounds horrific.

Bats: I remember a fic from the Library (The True Force, I want to say?) that had this same weird hangup about attributing thoughts and actions to some mysterious unexplained impulse instead of just letting the characters do things because they do things. That fic had a more varied vocabulary and didn’t just treat “instincts” like a sentient force the way this does, but it still was kind of… subconsciously aware that the characters were completely unmotivated and doing the exact wrong thing to fix it.

Ls: That also sounds horrible, though an expanded vocabulary would be nice.

She didn’t get closer, as she looked back to the cave with the corner of her eyes. One of the Equidae whined while looking at her.

Ls: The what now?

Bats: The horses, my fellow hominid.

Em: The Chiropteran is correct.

Yuki: And I thought needless circumlocution was a Klikky thing.

Ls: At least he doesn’t use animal species for everything.

Bats: Just fangirl Japanese.

The eyes were too all-knowing, as if begging for her to get in.

Ls: Stupid omniscient eyes.

Shoe: Why would the horses give a butt?

But why? Why should she dare do this?

Bats: Because she has a light, a stick, and a rope?

She has two parents that are overprotective at the best and quite difficult to please when it doesn’t involve her calming them.

Em: What?

Ls: Godzilla and Mothra throw catastrophic hissy fits without the Sue around, apparently.

By Gaia’s embrace, if she dared to go near them and vanished then the humans would get an apocalyptic scenario happening.

Yuki: You’re genocidal towards humans, we get it.

Ls: No, no, her parents would just cause an apocalypse if she runs off.

Bats: It seems like they’ll take any excuse to purge the “lesser species.”

Ls: Don’t you guys just love eugenics?

Shoe: I mean…if it were Anime!Godzilla then maybe humanity would have something to worry about. But TohoZilla only really directs his rampages to one, maybe two cities. It’d suck, but it’s hardly “apocalyptic.”

So, she ignored them as she walked back into the cave.

How unfortunate that the universe held other plans.

Yuki: Good! May the universe put you out of everyone’s misery!

Em: The universe isn’t going to act on those plans, just hold onto them for a while.

Ls: The universe is a killjoy.

She yelped as she found herself tripping onto the ground for an unknown reason. When she got back up again did she find herself in the vehicle?

Ls: Well, did she?

Em: Author, you’re supposed to tell us.

Bats: Nope! And her boring yet frequently intensely uncomfortable life continued with no further incident until her overdue end. The– *BZZZZT*

Alarmed, she quickly tried to ram the door but it was if her strength was utterly useless.

Em: Was it? Author, I’m not sure you know how a story works. Also, can’t she just go kaiju and hulk out of the presumably human-sized carriage?

Unease started to quickly bubble as she rammed again into the door. Seeing that it did nothing again, she tried to shift into one of her Titan forms only to feel nothing happen.

Em: Of course it’s got some kind of kaiju-blocking power. Hey, as long as it gets rid of the Kaij-Sue, I’m happy.

Ls: Strike now, universe, while she’s vulnerable!

It was if she was a normal human, a powerless being back in those days.

Ls: Imagine that.

Em: Right. Those Days. Back in That Time Period that had cell phones and carriages. Of course.

Ls: Back then, Those Gods were just wee Those Godlings!

I-I-It w-w-

Ls: Stop stuttering, narration.

Bats: And if you must, please tell us that th-th-that’s all, folks.

Shoe: Ya know, a hint that she’s having a flashback would be useful, fic. Just sayin’.

“Are you ready for this, H-001? This is just a minor test don’t worry.”

Um, Timmy? What’s going on?

Not a clue, but I think that was one of the “titles” listed in her bio.

Is it a test for minors? A test by minors? A test of minors?

A test conducted by minors, perhaps?

I didn’t know the DRD employed minors.

I don’t think any minors deserve to be subjected to this dreck.

Or adults, either, for that matter.

“You utter brat!!!!”

It’s pronounced “military brat” and it’s a badge of honor, not an insult.

Maybe this is addressed to a calf, and it’s an “udder” brat.

Isn’t “brat” a compliment now among Gen Z because of that Charli xcx album?

Maybe they’re addressing delicious German sausages? Great, now I’m hungry.

I dunno, I hear German sausages are the wurst. This is Em who made the pun, BTW. Not Shoe. So get mad at Em.

I will, right after I finish pouring dirt into Delta’s mop bucket. Sincerely, Bats.

It’s true; it was me who said that. I mean, it was Bats, that other person who is hiding the barbecue chips. I mean, wait, no, it’s… Ls who’s doing that because he’s Bats. I mean me. I mean I put the dirt in the- wait, no, I mean- oh, forget it.

Point is, Delta, get mad at him and not me. And I’m not hiding anything! Those are just, uh… empty bags of air that no one else is getting.

I’m gonna make things simple by being mad at everyone. Thus, everyone shall be getting the contents of the mop bucket poured onto them.

Hey! What did I–Shoe, to be clear–ever do to you?

Well, you put dirt in Delta’s mop bucket, hid the barbecue chips, and drank all the emotional support beverages; we’ve been over this.

Yup, that’s all Shoe’s fault. Good thing I’m really, uh, SC. …wait, we’re out of emotional support beverages?

Nice try, SC hasn’t been here for months!

That’s what he–uh, I–wants you to think!

“We will get out of here, I promise #^@*!^.”

I hope we do get out of this unattributed section; it’s getting very confusing.

What in the keyboard pound is that supposed to be?

Grawlixing, maybe?

So, one of Kaij-Sue’s names is a censored swear word? I don’t remember that from the bio.

That’s probably the name we’ll end up using for her the most.

Does “#^@*!^ing Sue” count as a name?

It does now.

“Happy Birthday, another day we all survived.”

Merry Christmas, we’re out of soy sauce.

Hey, this unattributed gag is supposed to be hard to figure out who’s posting things.

Does this help:

Well, I’m me, I’m pretty sure.

Nah, I think I’m you.

I am thou, thou art I.

I’m nobody. Who are you?

Shut up, Odysseus.

I’m Spartacus!

Same difference.

Once upon a time… I was me.

Once Upon a Time, I was an ABC show.

Amari felt her breathes starting to shorten

Will they-

Bats: Ahem, will they shorten down to breaths, by any chance?

Ls: That ‘e’ is important! How else can the author make clear how bad she is at SPaG?

as unwanted memories started to assault her.

Em: That Liam Neeson film is pretty violent.

Ls: Stupid memories.

Shoe: I have had unwanted memories assault me, too. But fortunately I get rid of them with copious amounts of liquor. Which I will share.

Ls: See, the thing is, if I drink any, then I will be stuck dying of cirrhosis of the liver and regenerating. I’d rather go quickly.

She took deep breathes as her hands unfurled themselves from digging into her palms. Red liquid with some glow of orange and blue escaped from the crescent marks.

Bats: Even her blood is Sue-y.

Ls: Is it radioactive?

Bats: That can’t be good.

Em: I don’t know if the Kaij-Sue is radioactive, but this is:

Shoe: The Sue doesn’t even have the benefit of sexy dancing…are those supposed to be aliens? Demons? It’s been like ten years and I still have no flipping clue what’s going on in that video.

Ignoring the memories to the best of her abilities, she looked around for another escape to only pause.

Bats: You’re on the right row, now look nine keys to the left.

Ls: It’s the furthest key on the upper left.

Why was there a coffin in the middle of the kidnapping?

Bats: Well, sometimes you have to kidnap a dead person. Duh.

Ls: Isn’t that just grave-robbing? Wait a minute. Calamari is our kidnapping expert, surely she knows!

Oh, Star’s no,

Bats: Hey, Ls, why is your no in the fic?

Ls: Hey! Give that back! I need it for Shoe’s suggestions!

Shoe: Yes! Take his precious no!

Ls: I would shut down that suggestion, but I can’t.

she’s not being a sacrifice!!!! She has read too much horror tropes and movies to know this was in the tops of her being a sacrifice!!!!!

Bats: If my stupid-to-English dictionary is working, why would they kidnap a human (or… whatever) sacrifice by locking her in a coffin before sacrificing her? That seems to be kind of putting the empty self-opening black carriage before the horse.

Em: It worked out for Danaё.

Ls: My stupid-to-English dictionary is impossible to read. Wait. Have I been holding it upside-down the whole time?

Just as she was about to jump out one of the windows did drowsiness hit her all of a sudden.

Ls: First memories, then drowsiness. Concepts seems to hate the Sue as much as we do!

Em: What’s next, ideas? Ok. Great. Ok.

Ls: I mean, it is great that she’s attracting the hatred she deserves.

Shoe: Oh, no, dear, that’s boredom. You’re as bored with your own existence as we are. But alas, such self-awareness is fleeting.

Shaking her head, she immediately went to the windows as she opened it. But before she could really do anything did everything turn black.

Ls: Yes, but did everything turn blackly black?

Bats:

====================================================================================================================================================================================================

Bats: This fic is so repetitive; the scenes are all the same.

Ls: They’re all equally bad.

[“Ah… My Beloved Lord.”]

Bats:

• Em: ([{All hAiL thE God oF fOrmAtTiNg!!!!}])

Ls: That yellow highlight keeps making me think there’s a comment, on mobile at least.

Bats: (With apologies in advance if the highlight doesn’t survive to WordPress.)

*Note from the editor: The highlighting as well as the font color, in fact, does not. And neither does the indentation, oddly.*

Ls: I don’t think WordPress readers need an apology for not being subjected to you guys’ font inanity.

• Bats: ([{tHe GoD oF fOrMaTtInG dEmAnDs TrIbUtE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}])

Ls: And now the red font color is changing!

A voice.

Em: But not The Voice?

Ls: It returns!

Even though everything in her screamed for her to ignore it, she opened her eyes to see something odd.

Bats: The number three?

Shoe: It is a magic number.

Ls: Are the DRD back again?

A mirror. It floated infront of her with coffins in the background. Green flames were flickering and moving in the mirror as she gazed at it with apprehension.

[“My glorious, beautiful flower of evil.”]

Yuki: Can we just… stop reciting the opening narration in every fricking Twisted-Wonderland fic?

Shoe: What kind of drugs do you have to do to get hallucinations like this? Asking for a friend.

Bats:

Evil? Why would this mirror call her evil?

Ls: Why don’t you tell us why?

Yuki: You kidnap humans including children, force them into relationships, callously slaughter endangered animals, and still have the gall to act like you’re the victim of humans. No, that’s not evil at all.

Bats: “lEsSeR sPeCiEs”

Shoe: Because it’s too polite to call her “A bitch.”

Em: Kaij-Sue:

But, is it the mirror that was speaking? She walked closer to it, as if bewitched by the flames that danced and yearned for her to listen. As she grew closer did something feel off about the mirror.

Em: Uh… yes?

Ls: Very off. It’s in a Suefic.

Nostalgia and familiarity seeped from her memories that would not flow.

Bats: This fic doesn’t need riffers; it needs plumbers.

Delta: Wouldn’t it be cruel to inflict this on the Mario Brothers?

Shoe: “Mario, where are you?” indeed.

Bats: I don’t know, someone with experience dropping oversized reptiles into pools of lava may be just the thing for Kaij-Sue.

As if blocked by something that was at play.

Ls: Yes, this is in fact video game regurgitation, fic.

[“You are the fairest in all the land.”]

She frowned at those words as the mirror came closer in her view. Fairest? Why?

Ls:

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A F**KING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away. 

Bats:

Why was that such an odd yet so familiar word?

Ls: I’m getting pretty familiar with your overuse of the word “odd”.

[“Mirror, Mirror, prey tell.

Bats: Now, now, a polite predator never preys and tells.

Ls: Lorenzo is anything but polite.

Who is the most…”]

“Fairest in the land?”

Bats: “Most fairest.”

Ls: The Sue?

Em: I’m going to say that one renfaire in Maryland that’s open for like three months a year.

Shoe: I LOVE that place. A buddy of mine juggled there once in a jester’s hat – his sister said he wore the hat for like two weeks after the faire ended.

She felt the words flow from her mouth easily as everything grew more and more familiar by the minute. But, sadly, something still blocked her from fully remembering it.

Ls: Oh… no?

Just as she reached the mirror in arm’s length did she find herself seeing an image. A vehicle with horses drawing closer to a gate with N I G H T R A V E N spelled on top with college underneath.

Bats: Is that like N I G H T M A R E M O O N?

Ls: S T O P I T .

Shoe: N O U.

Ls: Y O U F I R S T.

B A T S: Okay.

A school? Why was she typically seeing a human school?

Bats: I don’t know; are you typically looking at a human school? And what do you see atypically?

Shoe: A cross-eyed cyclops would be pretty atypical.

Bats: Scott’s just trying not to laser you.

[“You, who has been summoned by the Mirror of Darkness.”]

Summoned? Mirror of Darkness?

Yuki: Stop repeating the narration in your internal monologue! We don’t need to read the canonical script regurgitated twice!

Ls: Stop repeating the narration in your internal monologue! We don’t need to read the canonical script regurgitated twice!

Delta: In my eyes, there’s only one franchise that can really pull off the whole “repeating things in the form of a question” bit.

She only listened to the mirror as she lightly frowned.

Bats: “See how you like that, stupid dark mirror.”

[“Listen to your heart’s desire and take the hand of the one reflected in the mirror.”]

A hand appeared in the mirror as she saw it change every second. Desperation, helplessness, resignation, and so much despair can be felt from the hands.

Ls: Um, how?

Shoe: With a cosmic amount of weed.

They were begging for help, asking for guidance.

Em: Giving her the bird.

But why? Why would they ask for help?

Yuki: Least of all from a hypocritical, genocidal abomination like you?

Shoe: Maybe they’re masoch*sts. Or stupid. Maybe they’re stupid.

Ls:

What has got them begging in the first place?

Ls: Suefic?

Everything faded as only the mirror with the hand still remained. Seeing the very desperation calling out to me, she grabbed the hand with care.

*Ls covers his eyes so as to not see such.*

Em: I saw no such thing and you can’t make me.

Shoe: Calling out to me? Me who? A mewho with an exactlywhat on a chain? (That’s Shel Silverstine, you uncultured swine.)

Their grip was tight, as if to reassure themselves that she was there. Her vision darkened as she found herself back infront of the mirror again.

Ls: Is it in back, or in front?

Bats: On both sides; one’s just a reflection.

The hand was gone with the mirror as black as coal. Then a bright orange flame appeared as the mirror continued to speak.

[“As flame reduces even the stars to ash.”]

Ls: That is not how stars work.

*Ls is on fire again.*

Then a shard of ice with mist appeared.

[“As ice seals away even time itself.”]

Ls: Um, how?

Seal time itself? Why that specific thing?

Em: Gertie and Josh got a promotional deal with Mirror Co. to market their new line of planners. Get yours today!

Bats: Glad to see them doing well.

Ls: Aww! I’m always glad to see Gertie and Josh again.

Shoe: Yes, that’s a genuine seal of approval!

Then a green whirlwind with leaves appeared.

[“As great trees swallow even the sky.”]

Ls: These weird sentence fragments get worse and worse.

Then it disappeared as the mirror turned to black.

Yuki, enraged: We do not need to read this stuff all over again! I swear, every dratted TWST fic starts the same! It’s always some bland Mary Sue going all “hey guys I’m here” in between the prologue script copied verbatim, like a kid talking in the movie theater. Stuff like this is why I don’t read fics in English anymore.

Shoe: I mean a lot of badfics aren’t in English, or barely qualify as such.

Bats: hey guys I’m here

Ls: Ah! Bats is a Sue!

[Fear not the power of darkness. Now – demonstrate your power.]

Bats: Okay.

[Darkly fear not the dark power of darkness in the dark. Now, in the dark – darkly demonstrate your dark power of darkness in the dark.]

Bats: That’s it, that’s my power.

*Ls halfheartedly throws a potato at the fic.*

Ls: Behold.

*Delta equally halfheartedly pokes at the fic with a mop*

Delta: Cleaning powers, go, I guess.

Shoe: *flicks his giant plush boogers at the screen*. Suck booger, you booger!…yeah, I got nothin’.

Em: You’re nothing but a squalid pair of water goggles. Yeah, hurling odd unusual insults is about all I’ve got.

Ls: More effective in this line of work than most of our demonstrations.

Suddenly the mirror flashed a bright light as she quickly closed her eyes. When she opened them, a place in ruins was all she saw with a giant being resembling Sekhmet,

Ls: The Egyptian goddess of war. I guess this thing also has a cat face?

Shoe: Or is piss-drunk? That’s how they mellowed her and stopped her from going on a killing spree, y’know. They got her completely and utterly smashed.

with a mane of blue fire with black tendrils jolting out from it, wings also only its back. She could see scales and talons with the front being almost humanoid in nature.

Yuki: Almost humanoid? The creature fought in the tutorial is a clearly feline giant monster.

Bats:

Ls: After all, almost put the blame on them?

Shoe: That…is one giant pus- never mind. *Giggles immaturely to himself.*

Black liquid and black mist seemed to surround them.

Ls: –blackly, right?

They were tiny compared to the grown Titans back home but they seemed to be in a rage of bloodlust.

Ls: Well, aren’t you condescending!

Em: To be fair, pretty much everything is tiny compared to creatures that are 100m+ tall.

Ls: What is this, the metric system? I would expect such heresy from Delta or Yuki, but not Em!

Em: My bad. I meant to say he was 0.63 Washington Monuments tall.

Ls: Finally, a measurement that makes sense.

Shoe: I would say it’s more like a thousand donuts tall.

Delta: *silent, disapproving metric system glare*

Bats: I think we might’ve gotten off on the wrong foot here.

Ls: If this were a poem, the meter would be completely off.

Bats: Give metric users an inch, and they’ll take a kilometer.

It roared at her and growled of which she quickly grew her Mosura form wings.

Ls: Sue OP, Sue win. Yawn.

Shoe: This Sue is less tolerable than MINYA. OH YES I WENT THERE. GODZILLA JUNIOR IS BETTER THAN YOU SUE.

She flew above it as it growled and roared furiously. She growled lowly

Ls: Stop using lowly as an adverb!

Em: And moths don’t growl!

as she summoned god rays to damage the raging beast.

Bats: Unexpected cameo by the God of “Pew! Pew! Pew!”

Ls: That Pantheon is always expanding.

Em: The Power of Vague compels it.

Once it hit them, it roared in pain and fury while trying to attack with flames. She easily moved out of the way as she moved the flames back to the beast with her psychic ability in this form. The beast roared loudly in pain as everything turned black and dark.

Yuki: Keep in mind that the tutorial battle is a guaranteed loss. Suezilla effectively implies that she’s broken the game, yippee.

Delta: Kaij-Sue OP, pls nerf.

Ls: For a second, I was worried that it was only going to be black or dark. Thankfully, no.

She couldn’t see anything as she felt herself rest on something with her wings resting lightly behind her.

[“To me. To them. To yourself.

The hour grows long, and time is scarce.”]

Frowning at the cryptic words, she could only listen to the voice.

Yuki: Dude, we don’t care! Shut the Smaug up! Not only that, this is something you’ve experienced, why are you acting like you’re seeing everything for the first time?

Shoe: See my running, oft expressed theory that the Sue doesn’t have the brains God gave a bowl of corn flakes.

Ls: Cornflake brains are one of my favorite flavors of brain.

She could hear the resignation in the voice as if what she saw and fought with was just the beginning.

Ls:

Bats:

[“Keep steady your grip, no matter what may come…”]

It was a plea, for help for the situation coming her way. The voice never spoke again after that as she drifted off into a sleepless slumber.

*Silent alarms blare*

*The sleepless DCB arrives, not showing up because they’re sleeping on the job. Differently from usual, this time they empty the coffee pot because they’re so tired, leaving it full because they’re already too hyper, emptying the snack drawer by filling it as usual.*

Ls: I am very tired of these guy.

Not knowing the adventure and dread coming her way.

Yuki: Caused by you.

Ls: So much dread.

Bats: Though rather less adventure than this line implies.

Prologue – Welcome to the Villain’s World ~ 1

Ls: We STILL aren’t to the fic yet.

Delta:

Shoe: We were already at the Villain’s World, considering how unlikable this little bint is.

Coherence slowly gathered

Ls: No it did not!

Bats: The third might’ve gathered, maybe, but not coherence.

as she awoke from her sleepless slumber.

*Silent alarms blare*

*Once again for the first time today, the DCA appears, never having left. They return to the snack drawer and coffee pot that they filled only one of and find them both empty because they already emptied both of them.*

Bats: Have I mentioned how much I hate that guys?

Ls: No. Yes.

Shoe: I named the little one “Spats.”

It took her a few moments to gather her thoughts as memories poured in from what she had experienced.

Em: How has that plumber not gotten here yet?

Delta: Unfortunately, the only plumber this place employs is a contractor, so we’re pretty much screwed.

Ls: I think screws are Construction’s job.

*Bats hangs up from a phone call*

Bats: I can’t make heads or tails of that accent, but I think he said something about the leak being “in another Asylum.”

Ls: Just tell him to go there anyway; he’ll find his way here eventually given how well directions work.

As her brows furrowed, she heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet coming towards the direction she was in. But as she heard them did her senses start to awaken as she heard multiple other voices outside the place she was in. She couldn’t quite hear the wording due to her sleepiness. She dialed back her hearing

Yuki: How do you “dial back” your hearing?

Delta: Earplugs?

Em: Hearing aids?

Ls: Hey, super-hearing does a long way!

Bats: Feature of the new Linktron model.

as she focused on around her instead.

Em: Did she just turn down her hearing so she could see better?

Ls: It’s the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in action. Wait, the Sue isn’t an electron, is she?

Bats: She’s certainly a negative for the fic.

Shoe: Or she’s a neutron. No force whatsoever on the audience.

She was in her Mosura form, as she felt the wings idly twitch slightly behind her back. She could also feel that her clothing was doubled over, another set was over it. Just as she started to check her person for her personal stuff did something raddle right infront of her. Finally, it clicked.

Em: I thought it “raddled.”

Bats: This fic is making all kinds of disconcerting noises. In fact, I’m not sure it’s doing anything else.

WHO THE f*ck DARES TO KIDNAP HER

Yuki: Says the one frequently kidnapping humans, including children, for personal amusem*nt.

Bats: But Yuuuukiiiiiiii, it doesn’t count when you kidnap a lesser species!

Ls: Hey, I’ll give it a try! Kidnapping is fun, you guys should try it out sometime. Except Em, she does it way too much.

Shoe: How does one “Raddle?” Is it a dance? *Attempts to do the Raddle.*

Ls: A raddle is “a long, flexible stick, rod, or branch, which is interwoven with others, between upright posts or stakes, in making a kind of hedge or fence.” It’s also a verb, meaning to “interweave or twist together” or to “mark or paint with”. Something in front of her is weaving something else together, or possibly painting.

Bats: Damn paints.

Delta: Ah, it must be whoever’s been putting yellow paint on all those climbable ledges in games lately.

AND WHY DID SHE SEE THE INFAMOUS MAGIC MIRROR FROM SNOW WHITE!?!?!?!?!

*Ls hides under his desk to avoid the punctuation rain.*

Amari could feel her anger boil from deep within her

Yuki: You’re a perpetually angry brat. We get it.

Shoe: No, see, that’s being a “strong and likable protagonist.”

as the door raddled again.

Ls: Stupid door, always trying to paint things!

Her wings twitched as she could hear a scratchy yet childish voice coming from infront of her.

“Crap. People are coming. Gotta get a uniform while…”

Gasp! People!

Ah! Oh, wait, I’m people.

Eh, that’s debatable.

Formless Voices don’t count as people, in large part because they cannot be counted at all.

Am I at least mineral or vegetable?

I’m Spartacus!

Stop saying that!

It’s not even true; I am Spartacus.

Guys, guys, you can all be Spartacus. No need to fight.

This scene felt familiar.

Of course- Ahem!

Em: Of course it is, it’s a very famous movie.

Amari could feel the familiarity from this one sentence along with how young the voice sounded.

Ls: So, so, familiar.

Bats: The word “familiar” is getting a little too familiar. Almost odd how familiar it’s getting.

And from what little she could hear from the outside and smell, the one outside of her imprisonment was young, not even close to being a teen.

Ls: You can smell age?

Yuki: No, she just decides what age the creature is and never lets him have a say about it.

Shoe: Alternatively, she has the power of Nirvana.

Bats: Duuuuuuuude! Rob Liefeld is totally awesome!

*Bats coughs*

Bats: Uh, sorry, reflex.

While other beings got closer and closer to the room to her utter frustration.

Oh, hell no!!!! She wasn’t going to be sacrificed today!!!!

Bats: She hasn’t saved up enough exclamation points!!!!!!!!!! Check back tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!

Ls: Please sacrifice her tomorrow.

Shoe: Naaah. Sacrifice her today. Hell, use a few of those exclamation points for your evil laugh. HAA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Ls: This Sue just can’t help overdrawing from the Exclamation Mark Bank.

Em: That’s where we’ll cut things off this time. We’ll have to cover the Sue’s truly enraging behavior next time, in Part 2.